10/29/14

Dear Cabby: [Advice for all ]

Dear Cabby: My boss "Clueless" has just charged me with halting the spread of a deadly plague. Alas, I am totally out of my depth and completely inexperienced in such a role. Please Help! R. Kavian

Dear R. Kavian: With someone like "Clueless" in charge, we are already doomed --DOOMED-- I tell ya. I suggest you put yourself in immediate voluntary quarantine, which will give you complete freedom to roam Nu Yawk at will by subway and taxi, but cut you off from "Clueless" so he can't complain about your absence.  Keep away from Bellvue Hospital lest they make you live in a tent. for three weeks. How do you like dem apples? ---Cabby

Barack Obama's Diary: Bibi down, Vlad still to go.

Dear Diary: I had barely taken a break fom Bibi's excoriation of me, when the Song of the Volga Boatmen  burbled mournfully from my iPresdientophone. I said "Hello Vlad, [for ir was he] you calling to gloat? " "Obamavitch, what do you expect when you use decades-old Russian rocket engines  to launch a 21st Century spacecraft?  They make Yuri Gagarin look young. "Gagarin, Obamavich? He was our first man in space." But enough about me.

10/28/14

Barack Obama's Diary: Bibi's ire is unleashed upon me

Dear  Diary: I was munching away happily at a generous bowl of Honeynut Cheerios this morning, when the unmistakeable strains of Hava Nagila burst forth from my iPresidentophone. I had been expecting an irate call from Bibi Netanyahu ever since one of my aides was quoted as having dismissed him as  "chickenshit." Bibi never allows such things to pass without comment. I held the phone a couple feet from my ear and waited for the torrent of abuse to subside before attempting any conversation. Hebrew is a very expressive language for cursing. I'm told that it exceeds even Afrikaans for this purpose. But enough about me.

[Sad] Headline of the Day...


The stamp of failure

Our Man in Alaska, the eagle-eyed TG: sends this:
"The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it, but soon noticed
  that the stamp was not  sticking to envelopes.
This  enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special  commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

B...B...Bambled response continues.

What is the point of the Ebola czar? Obama's man to sort out crisis is invisible amid claims Obama admin's efforts to stop an outbreak are 'laughable'
It's unclear what Ebola Response Coordinator Klain has brought to the proverbial table. So far, the government's response to Ebola response appears to be just as ham-handed as it was before.

Question of the day...

10/27/14

Bam's team of bumbling Bamblers

Are Susan Rice and Chuck Hagel equal to today’s new national-security challenges? asks
Michael Hirsh in Politico.  Read it all  [BJS]



Hope and Poop

Our man in Alaska, TG, sends this:
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
 Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
 Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher.
 Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
 Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
 "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
 Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
 "Toothbrushes? ", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
 "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop; you wanna buy a toothbrush?" I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.

Cartoon: Cameron Cardow

[Cagle Cartoons]

Barack Obama's Diary: Who will gubbin da gubbinors?

Dear Diary: The utter impertinence of Governors Cuomo and Christie! How dare they second-guess Me, the beloved leader of the free world, Sir Barack the Brave. If I say people can come to Nu Yawk  from  an Ebola hot zone, with no quarantine period, dat's da way it's gonna be, Fatso Christie, you geddit?
I am increasingly concerned about the lava flow on Hawaii's big island. It is  dead on course for my plantation of Blueberry Yum Yum -- the Champagne of marijuanas. Maybe I can persuade the Air Force to water-bomb the lava and thus solidify it.  But enough about me.

10/26/14

Barack Obama's Diary: I'm safer than you all are...nyaa, nyaah

Dear Diary:  I had a glorious round of golf at Fort Belvoir today, although I did find that my full-body Ebola protective gear hampered my game. But what's a guy to do with all these unquarantined  people walking near by? I was with my usual group of junior aides:  Mike Brush, Joe Paulsen, and Marvin Nicholson. Lord knows where these guys go during their  leisure time, hence my yellow vinyl suit -- better safe than sorry.  Out of an abundance of caution the Pentagon is having isolation pods built that will fit in heavy military transport aircraft so that infected troops can be repatriated from West Africa, though, of course, none can become infected.  Purely out of prudence, I have insisted that they order an extra unit for Air Force One and reserve a doctor and nurses to go with it. I am the leader of the Free World and my safety is paramount. But enough about me.

Jeb is 'moving forward' a 2016 run, says his son

 Florida Gov. Jeb Bush is "moving forward" towards a potential 2016 White House run and it appears more likely he will enter the Republican field, according to his son, who's running for office in Texas. George P. Bush told ABC's This Week that his father is "still assessing" a presidential bid, but suggested it was more likely that he would seek the White House this time. The ex-governor declined to run for president in 2012 despite encouragement from Republicans.
"I think it's more than likely that he's giving this a serious thought and moving — and moving forward," said the younger Bush, who is running for Texas land commissioner.
Asked if that meant it was "more than likely that he'll run," George P. Bush responded: "That he'll run. If you had asked me a few years back ... I would have said it was less likely." [More]

Obamatoon: Daryl Cagle

[Cagle Cartoons]

Obamatoon: Gary Varvel

[Cagle Cartoons]